Been gone. . . suffering greatly from cymbalta withdrawal. .thanks again Doctors!

I've been gone for a while and mostly sick, sick, sick. I was put on cymbalta in the spring to help with fibro pain and bridge the effexor withdrawal. The cymbalta withdrawal is absolutely worse than the effexor withdrawal, hands down. I started ramping down at the beginning of October and my the 21st of October I took my last dose (no thanks to my doctors and their continued incompetence and lack of caring). Five weeks later I can still barely leave my house in the early part of the day as I need a toilet close by. I have violent mood swings and when I'm down I'm way, way down. It's a scarey ride I've been on these past weeks and am hoping one of these days to wake up not feeling sick to my stomach. I was hoping once I was off all of these meds (cymbalta, although initially helped my fibro pain was short lived) I would lose weight and start feeling better. I found the cymbalta left me mostly puffy, tired, and worried about my liver. I wanted to try to be drug free (prescription drugs that I've taken non-stop for over 8 years) and to think my weight loss would be from simply being afraid to eat nearly anything I used to be able to eat. . . I am left with not trusting any doctors, none. I'm so tired of being sick all the time, but continue to hope that one of these days in the not too distant future I will start feeling normal again, whatever the heck that is.

forgot I need to point out a small thing

My sister's hiney!

too many passwords! yikes!

Thank you rolodex! I simply cannot keep all of my passwords straight for this site and that site. . . now I've been bullied by my lovely sister (I'll get her I'll post a picture of her backside. . .tee-hee) to open a Facebook account. I keep getting messages and don't really know what to do with them. . .I'm soooo busy on ebay and all else I'm trying to accomplish that learning another site makes me jiggy. Ha! Is that even a word?

So we get a new roof. . Thanks! Ike! One good thing amongst all this craziness our country is facing right now. And what is my newest gripe? As a consumer it's a local thrift store owner.

When he opened his Thrift Store 12 years ago or so it was called the National Kidney Foundation. My first husband had some very very shady associates and one in particular had a donation bucket for some local charity in his offices. Found out at that time that in order to be associated with a charity that all you have to do is give 10% to them of your collection in their name. Point being that over the year the National Kidney Foundation dropped that name and now goes by Thrift Stores of Ohio . . .but us faithful thrift storers (is that a word?) recall that association and many still call it that. Well, they have a contract of sorts with the NKF and if you call them to make a donation of household goods, clothing, etc. they send out the TSofOhio truck and the good go straight to them. NKF gets $1.00 for each load the TSoO picks up. Ohmygosh!

So as the years have passed this private individual has opened about 5-6 locations in central Ohio. The prices are OUTRAGEOUS! I'm like everyone else. Watching my pennies. I shop at thrift stores for a variety of reason ~old habits die hard, resell items, love finding deals, hate paying retail. But people are donating their goods believing their kindness is benefitting needy individuals or organizations. I was there the other day and even an employee complained at the ungodly profits this company is making on donations. A coat I looked at DONATED REMEMBER. . .$59.00. Used shoes $12, 18, $26 ... .

The Salvation Army should get these goods, Volunteers of America, Am Vets, Goodwill. These organizations allllll do good work in the community and in our country. I am soooo disturbed by this presence and that the public is 'confused' about where they items are going and who will benefit from this. I am in the process of writing a letter to the editor of our local daily paper but want to find out more before I send it out.

I personally donate to all of the above organizations. . .and wish I could encourage others to stop this. The local paper did just do a piece on them and that is how I found out about the $1.00 donation per household. It's just not right. Our local thrift stores need donations.

So that's that. Oh, first day of physical therapy on my Achilles tendon tear. Am on the road to recovery. . .hope it helps my overall pain. And am nearly off the cymbalta! Yea. gotta go! Tess

the sky is falling. . .. or so it seems

I am a wreck as I am sure you all are. . .the economy, this crazy political circus, the price of gas (it was down yesterday. . yea!). Those of us that try to peddle their wares on ebay and other on-line sites are seeing our sales dwindle and dry up quicker than a leaf on the dessert.

Crazy, crazy crazy. I feel like a science experiment. I went off the effexor only to be put on cymbalta. Increased water retention, hot flashes are back full force. Pain is still there. The only thing the cymbalta did help was the tingling in my hands at night (related to carpal tunnel I've been told). I have an Achilles tendon that is 'broke' and needs fixed and our health care sucks. and It's expensive to boot. The doctors put me on flexeril to help me sleep (did not help. . I'm a tough one that way). I tanked and it made me feel seriously seriously suicidal (I'm ok now though after a concerned intervention. . .) but I flushed the flexeril and I'm good to go. Am working on getting drug free for the first time in about 8 years (prescription drug free).

Shoot. We got hit with Ike ~ hurricane force winds . . and I'm in the Midwest. Yikes. May get a new roof (yea!) because of the damage. We'll see how many times it takes the insurance dudes and then the roofers to get it right.

And the really really crazy thing is my life is better than many. We have our home, each other, our wonderful 'kids' ~ one human two canine. Our friends, our great neighbors. We eat every day, can voice opinion, practice our religion, criticize our government.

This is america . . I am woman. Hear me roar! LOL. . .

Minor successes, and not so much in other areas

Well, xylitol links have been added to my health food store's website. Minor success. . . .hopefully pet owners will click and read the articles they have posted. . . .because at the store itself there is still no notices about how DEADLY XYLITOL is to animals.

Got a COMPUTER VIRUS recently too. . . .searching the net for info regarding my terrier's digestive problem recently . . .. who would guess such an innocent search would 'cause me hours and hours of grief. We have Norton 360 from Symantec and in calling them (the virus blocked us from getting on Norton's site) . . .we had to pay $100 'cause they said I downloaded a YouTube video (No, I DID NOT) . . .in my search I was sucked into a YouTube video and got out of it as quickly as possible. After that I had a banner that said that Spyware was just detected and that I had to download some VIRUS protection (which was all part of the virus). My computer was soooo messed up. . .My man spent all night trying to fix it and the next morning after he had at least identified where the virus was sent from we subsequently got India on the phone . . .OH, NO I mean Norton. $100 later and 4 hours on hold (I AM NOT KIDDING . . .and the tech told us sometimes people are on hold for 6 HOURS). The tech took 45 minutes to come in and take over my computer and fix it. It still is not right so we got a questionnaire to let them know the NORTON protection still doesn't keep itself turned on to protect ITSELF.

So I called them again. Argh!!!! Since we had a priority ## from the previous 5 hours with them they allowed me to schedule an appointment for them to call back ~ this was Saturday 8/30. NO ONE EVER CALLED. . .I called them again the next morning. We did it again. . .I go an appointment for that afternoon. . . .waiting faithfully by my phone. . .ONCE AGAIN, THEY NEVER EVER CALLED BACK. . .THIS was last weekend. They called me two days ago when I was at my exercise class. BASTARDS.

So although I don't have a computer virus right now my VIRUS protection is LACKING and subject to attack. . . and NORTON SYMANTEC IS worthless on sooooo many levels!

XYLITOL AND DOGS ~ DANGER!

Today I went to my local health food store here in Westerville, Raisin Rack. Recently I read how deadly the artificial sweetener xylitol is for dogs ~ our beloved family members . . .at least in my house. I talked to a worker-bee at Raisin Rack today and was told I should discuss the dangers of xylitol with their 'pet person' who runs their pet department. She knew about the dangers but compared it to chocolate. . . .I tried to tell her that very few consumers know about the dangers of xylitol to dogs and as an example (I am someone who is internet savvy and watches the news and reads the papers regularly) and did not know of the dangers. I recently purchased some items that contained xylitol (one being chewing gum). I have a dog that would indeed pull a pack of gum from my purse and eat it if it smelled like me. So bottom line ~ the pet department person did not seem particulary interested in letting consumers of xylitol containing products know about its dangers. She felt people know about chocolate, so why not already somehow know (maybe through osmosis or telepathy. . .) about the xylitol dangers.

I am just angry about her lack of interest. She said 'she might be able to put up a notice in the pet department'. That is not where the xylitol containing products are though. I don't buy my pet food at the health food store. I buy my pet food at a pet food store. The notice should be near the cash register . . where the xylitol containing snacks, gum, and nasal spray (yes, its in nasal spray) are.

Here is a bit on dangers of chocolate. . .(it takes a large amount to harm a dog luckily)

The good news is that it takes, on average, a fairly large amount of theobromine 100-150 mg/kg to cause a toxic reaction. Although there are variables to consider like the individual sensitivity, animal size and chocolate concentration.On average,Milk chocolate contains 44 mg of theobromine per oz.Semisweet chocolate contains 150mg/oz.Baker's chocolate 390mg/oz.Using a dose of 100 mg/kg as the toxic dose it comes out roughly as:1 ounce per 1 pound of body weight for Milk chocolate1 ounce per 3 pounds of body weight for Semisweet chocolate1 ounce per 9 pounds of body weight for Baker's chocolate.So, for example, 2 oz. of Baker's chocolate can cause great risk to an 15 lb. dog. Yet, 2 oz. of Milk chocolate usually will only cause digestive problems.

BUT XYLITOL is a different story:

I copied this from From: Carole Jackson Bottom Line's Daily Health News ~

No Sweets for Dogs I have always followed the rule of thumb that dog food is for dogs and people food is for people, though I know that I am in the minority on that one. However, as much as we think of our pups as man's best friends, their digestion is definitely different, and they cannot tolerate a number of "people products," including the sugar-free and low-calorie sweetener xylitol (often found in gums, breath mints, candies, toothpastes and baked goods). In fact, xylitol in dogs can be down right deadly. When I spoke with Eric K. Dunayer, VMD, veterinary toxicologist at the Animal Poison Control Center of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA), about the recent report regarding dogs and xylitol, he told me that dogs actually have a sweet tooth and seem especially attracted to xylitol. This sweet tooth can get dogs into serious trouble, even, on occasion, kill them. With their powerful sense of smell, dogs can ferret out xylitol products in seconds and have been known to consume an entire jumbo-sized pack of xylitol sweetened gum lickety split, according to Dr. Dunayer.
DANGERS OF XYLITOL AND DOGS
Two major physiological events might then occur. For reasons unknown, dogs metabolize xylitol differently than humans -- their insulin levels increase which is why their blood glucose levels drop -- which can lead to hypoglycemia. The dog becomes sleepy, weak and unsteady on the feet and may collapse and seize. This cascade can develop rapidly, says Dr. Dunayer, starting within 30 to 60 minutes after xylitol consumption, depending on the size and age of the dog. The second danger, however, is even more insidious -- fatal liver failure and internal bleeding can develop in dogs who did not show hypoglycemia initially. These reactions have occurred in dogs of various breeds, mixes and both genders, says Dr. Dunayer. Consequently, he says, anyone whose pet has ingested the sweetener must call the vet immediately. Do not induce vomiting unless the vet tells you to do so. The reason: The symptoms move quickly and if the dog should collapse, it could choke on its vomit. So, all you softies who feed your doggies little yum-yums, stick with the ones that are doggie approved and keep the xylitol along with any chocolate (including cocoa), raisins and grapes far from Fido's reach. (If you didn't know, chocolate can cause rapid heartbeat and excitement... and raisins and grapes can trigger kidney failure in dogs.)

Dogs dying from xylitol poisoning is going up every year due to increased number of consumables containing this ingredient. So be diligent! Beware!

Tess

Laying those we love to rest

Well, I'm back after a long absence. Had my head up my you - know - what and forgot what was important to me for a while. Lost my father a few days ago, buried him on his birthday ~ 7/28/08 . . . he would have been 91.

He had a long healthy life. Loved by many, misunderstood by some. . . .failed to love those he should have. . . .at least not in the way he should. Cryptic you say. . .no, I'm talking about his relationship with me. Sometimes good, never great, much of the times lousy. His family was not my family. My mother's family was always the family I knew, loved and still love so very much. Lucky, very lucky, to have them.

Got to see The Boy. So happy to see my loved son after over 8 months. He's changed ~ some ~ not as much as I thought he might. But enough to know that the 'spaces in our togetherness' is good for him and me.

David is back in Cali now. . .doing his thing . . working, playing, and getting ready to embark on his California college adventure. I am so psyched for him. Always wanted to live in Cali and he's living the dream. . . .I hope it is good for him always.

Me I'm looking for a path that helps me finish growing up and helps me appreciate the good life I do truly have. I do have a man that loves me. A son that loves me and is growing up in a way that I know I've done something right with him. Two great dogs, a crazy ass sister that I wouldn't trade for the world, and another friend that has turned out to be a true gem. My sister, Mona.

So my sadness is in layers. Loss of a parent who betrayed me numerous times in my life. These time brings back memories of the loss of my mother 5 years ago. . . .she too betrayed me many, many times in my life. I was able to come to terms with that relationship though. Having my dearest son come and visit. A visiting so fleeting it was here and gone in a blink. Layers and layers of sadness. . . I'm digging my way out. . .I see a glimpse . . .a glimmer of my inner fortitude that will sustain me. . . .I am sure.

What is it. . I am woman, hear me roar. I'll be ok this time too. T

Reboundin'

Pain can 'cause a person to do desperate things. . . .Friday was such a day for me with my fibro and other aches and hurts and age & injury related problems. It was a day of pain for me. . my knee would not bend without a lot of pain . . walking was tough ~ the opposite leg I had a pulled or achy groin muscle. Then there is my Achilles tendon. Not to mention the normal fibro pain. I piled on to get rid of the pain. A pain patch I applied above my left knee (fentalyn). . . got from a cancer patient (I know . . .bad me). Then I had some oxycodon/percocet I got the last time my knee locked up. Took one of them ~ oh my. Still no relief. . . the day wore on. No exercise class for me. . .night time. . .oh why not, another oxycodon/percocet with a 64 calorie light beer. Now I'm nearly pain free. . . . Whew.

Bed time. . . .mornin' approaches. Headache. Sleep some more. And then some more. Wake up at 11:30 a.m. and need to get up . . . but I have the headache of all headaches. Feels like someone has beat me up and is sticking a knife in my forehead repeatedly.

Try to drink coffee and eat toast. But nausea hits and before I know it I'm headed back up to bed. Wake up at 3:30p.m. Still sick, sick, sick. My head hurts sooooo badly ~ the nausea is not so bad but still there. I'm afraid to take anything for the pain ~ look what that got me the day before. Blessedly the day ends. My headache is not much better, but some of the food I finally ate made me feel less awful.

Sunday ~ still have a headache. Go to brunch and can eat a bit but still soooo delicate. Continues all day Sunday about the same way. Monday ~ wake up and still have a headache but it's almost gone.

So, did I give myself a drug hangover? What will a person do to take some of the pain away. . .. I made myself sick mixing drugs I had no business mixing. I learned a lesson. Don't make my mistake. My sister says I get migraines. Don't know if my drug mixtures triggered a migraine, as I don't know the difference between a garden variety headache and a migraine. I get a lot of headaches but nothing nearly as bad as this past one. . . .and when I do get a bad one it hangs behind my left eye and into my left ear area (as with this one ~ that is not a new phenomenon).

Feel better. Got to my exercise classes the past two days. Am still taking it easy and trying to not push myself too much ~ knee is better, but groin pain is still there. Argh!

Memorial Day ~ Missing Many

My Dearest Departed. We think of you today especially ~ in our hearts always.

Yesterday some of my family gathered to celebrate the holiday of remembering. We sat and talked, ate and drank. And did not talk much about those we love that are no longer with us. My family is like that. We don't talk about the big things. It's more about the here and now. Babies were every where ~ some healthy some not. I have tried to walk away from this family that I love so much and am so different from but know in my heart doing that is wrong.

My mother's siblings are the ones I cling to the most. My dearest mother's brother and sister. I was with them yesterday. My Aunt Wilma and Uncle Lloyd. Losing them will be like it was to lose my Grandmother Grace and My Mother, Mary. These adults who were always around when I was growing up ~ sometimes living in the same house (when I was born my mother, sister Karen and I lived with my Grandmother Grace and Aunt Wilma and her two young children, Roberta (Bobbi) and Johnny and our cousin Mary Ellen.

They were like siblings to me most of my life. My son David is with Johnny in California . . . and I was with Bobbi yesterday. Bobbi lost her son, Spenser a year ago. Beautiful troubled Spense. Spenser was 2 years old when Bobbi and I moved to southeastern Ohio (Athens) to live there and share a house with Johnny. He took his own life at the age of 33. The family still mourns.

Spenser was with us yesterday.... only spoken about in hushed tones to not upset Bobbi. There is a sadness that prevails. We all helped raise Spenser ~ those of us that are the middle adults. Bobbi was a single mother and we all helped out when Bobbi worked ~ caring for this beautiful blond baby ~ that grew into a troubled man who finally gave up and simply said ~ I'm tired. I don't want to do this life anymore.

We will be with you again dear Spenser. You are with Mom and Grace right now. They are keeping you close until Bobbi joins you. Life is so precious.

Today we celebrate this life ~ a time that can be soooo fleeting and hard and painful and joyful. We celebrate the passing through this life by so many ~ beauty, tragedy, hope, sorrow ~ all in a day, a minute, a life.

something besides. . . .

As for my health ~ I am well. I can almost remove any mention that I was on effexor. I am off of it so nicely and cleanly. My girlfriend said recently I had turned my back on my greatest ally when it came to the effexor and my menopausal hot flashes. Considering the other negative side effects the effexor brought to the table I had no choice.

I am happy to be effexor free. I am on a low dose of cymbalta and that seems to be working. Nearly cut out alcohol (sorry fibro friends - believe alcohol is not our friend) ~ 'cause I can really feel the effects of alcohol on my pain after a night of imbibing. I only have an occasional headache. Sometimes I even walk normally. What a blessing. Given this week's events I even feel mentally strong enough to seek employment out of this house. (If there is a job out there. . . seem pretty slim pickings). My aunt told me she believes one of her girls (my cousin) may also have fibro (if that is the case I now know 3 others who suffer from it ~ all women). She is a big drinker and know if I tell her she needs to stop it will fall on deaf ears. Our family has a curse that way ~ that and having baaaaaaaaad lungs. No smoking please.

I have a busy day so am going to go now. Feel happy, see hope for the future and am starting to believe in me again. (o: Tess

More flower pics

Lovely Iris.

________________ >> glorious curbside gardening with Columbine, Iris and Poppies. . .

Lucky to have perennials. I am really a gardening idiot and have no skills where growing things are involved.

May 22nd and the sun is out!

Well, my spring flowers are finally in their full regalia. . .what a gorgeous sight they are. . . Here are my poppies, I have columbine, Irises, spider wort, Vina vine purple flowers, and other perennials I forget the name of right now. Irises are probably my favorite spring flower. Soon I will plant seeds for dwarf sunflowers and zinnias. . . my favorite summer flowers.

I am doing well. Very very sore today ~ but not fibro aches. . . the glorious pain you get from working out hard! Yea! I stayed for a double session of my jazzercize class - body sculpting then a regular jazzercize class. . . Had to lay off Tuesday class 'cause of the heel / Achilles tendon issue on my left leg. Worked out hard Monday and then Tuesday morning wore high heels around downtown going to where. . The Supreme Court of the State.

Got to address the Justices for a short short time. . .introducing my friend that has worked for two plus year to get her application accepted by our state bar. Tuesday was the culmination of those two plus years and she had to be sponsored by a fellow member of the bar and that was me. I got to stand in front of the 7 justices and introduce myself and give my friend a short introduction to the esteemed panel. I was freaked at first when I found out I would have to speak to the justices and then when it was my time and totally enjoyed it. Go figure. Glad she did not know beforehand I would have to speak to the court, I probably would have chickened out. I did not know I had changed so much since my last court appearance. I wasn't afraid.

Yea to me.

Down Time and Up Time

It's been 10 days nearly since I wrote. . . I guess I was feeling well enough that there was not a lot to talk about when it comes to my fibro and definitely nothing more to talk about with my effexor withdrawal. . .I seems to be clean of that drug and it was not nearly as tough to 'kick the habit' as I had imagined.

But most recently ~ I am still feeling pretty well ~ I have finished two books. Completed the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and also finished reading 'Many Lives, Many Masters'. . . by Brian Weiss, MD. Picked up another book by Weiss ~ 'Messages from the Masters ~ Tapping into the Power of Love' and started that and also read the first paragraph of 'The Power of One' by Bruce Courtenay that takes place during the time of the Nazi regime ~ but the location of the story is actually South Africa.


I was so taken by the book 'Many Lives, Many Masters' that it is actually a bit hard for me to move on to another topic or book right now. Weiss's books are about reincarnation ~ a topic I find fascinating and totally plausible. There has to be more to us humans 'cause if this is it ~ this life ~ I sometimes have trouble understanding the point of it all. According to the work Weiss undertook with his patient Catherine we travel through lives with other souls ~ our roles and interactions seem to be different with each life ~ but his work goes on to say that we have lessons to learn in each life, lessons we can only learn while in the physical (not spiritual) form, debts to pay for our or our loved ones past wrongs, and so on. . . .

Having lived my life, personally and professional different than many ~ for one I never felt the need to get a job and keep it for 20-30 years. . I've always thought my variety of jobs have been good for me 'cause there were people I needed to meet, and in meeting these people I had believed I brought some knowledge or wisdom to them ~ a lesson so to speak and then I was done. I was OK when it was time for me to move on. I do know people have come into my life at times when I needed their kindness or knowledge they had to offer me. They've helped guide me through a personal struggle or to help me gain some new insight.


I've always appreciated the adage 'When the student is ready, the teacher arrives'. That is how a life of learning should be, isn't it? If we aren't learning and growing in this life we've been given what is the point? In college I was part of an age-regression study through the Psychology Department. It was amazing and I too was a willing subject before I became part of the research group. . . Dr. Weiss cured this patient Catherine through the hypnosis ~ cured her phobias, anxieties and poor relationships ~ it was like she was reborn. And as with the teaching of the Kaballah and Buddism she showed during her hypnotic trances, and the messages she imparted during that time - that there are 'Masters' ~ spiritual masters who guide us between our lives.


Such knowledge, for me makes the idea of death and dying much easier to accept and not fear. I am with my mother, grandmother and step-father in my dreams (they are all dead) quite often ~ and I look forward to those meetings. I come out of those dreams, particularly the ones with my Grandma Grace and my Mother, Mary surrounded in all I can describe as a cocoon of love. A warm secure happy feeling that stays with me for some time after our being together. With my step-father it is more of a healing time ~ a time of forgiveness . . but with my mothers it is just a safe and loving visit. So I am a believer. I still have much to learn still in this lifetime, and much love and knowledge to share with people I have not yet encountered and with those I already know.

This is how I've occupied my mind lately. And as for my body, jazzercizing it up!!

Sunday and sunny

Lovely lovely day. Airedale barks in the distance, NPR on the radio (Afro Pop Worldwide is coming on now . . Garrison Keillor just signed off and the Great Harry Shearer will be on at 1). Outstanding day for public radio . .well, every day is a great day for public radio.

I have a sunshine headache today. . high pressure seems to bring it on or whatever high pressure does to the air around me. I just ran out of coffee creamer and I'm bummed. My neighbor will have to hook me up (I hope she hasn't cut that out of her diet too. . .sigh.) Love my coffee dark out of the pot and creamy in the cup. No sugar. My type A diet says coffee is good for my stomach (yea!) and that is that for me. Permission to drink it as I please.

Day for the dogs too. Dog park in the afternoon hopefully for them. Scraps always gets a bit moody when it rains. Poor pup. Airedale loves the rain ~ loves the shower with me in it ~ hopefully she will love the pool when it opens again since it's rarely used. I'll be motivated to get in the pool this year for Babie if she will join me. I'm sure swimming will help aches and pains as it is a great overall exercise. Pool is shaded and the heater is powered via propane and propane has gotten oh, so expensive. . .so no heater. BRRRRRR.

hmmmmmmmmm. Prior neck injury??

Well, today is the Kentucky Derby. You know it's spring now. . . I wish I had a fancy hat to wear in recognition of the race. But it is raining and in Ohio that is a sure sign it is spring. The world exploded into the most gorgeous color of green (absolutely have to wear green today). The air smells differently ~ the ground is soaked ~ new green shoots are pushing their way up through the ground. A perfect day to put on some old boots, overalls and a rain jacket and work in my perennial gardens.

And hey my body feels good enough to do this ~ so I believe I will undertake that. I missed the jazzercise workout I could have participated in this a.m. so I am going to visit my exercise room ~ use the ab lounger (it actually is pretty fun and seems to work). . . hang upside down on my inversion table (feels sooooo good on my back and neck) . . . .lift a few weights ~ use the universal machine . . and hey~ I'm fit.

I seem to have cleansed myself of the effexor for the most part. I don't know if I am doing so well on that front because of the cymbalta but I'll take whatever brought me to this point.

As for fibro ~ a friend told me yesterday that she was told there seems to be an indication (how wishy washy) that prior neck injury is shown in many (?) fibro sufferers. I personally as an 11 year old was jumping on a bed and fell off backward and landed on that larger neck/spine bone that joins the neck to the spine. Was told by a chiropractor when I visited him during my college years that I would have trouble walking or moving properly when I reached my 40's if I did not continue to get therapy ~ I was having trouble with my neck/shoulders/arms freezing up due to my posture of both studying and working on a large newspaper typesetting machine. Hmmmmm. He may have know something. thanks Dr. Hedges . . should have listened to you.

I was told when the fibro symptoms first started 11 years ago that the MRI revealed (not the MS that I feared I had thanks to my 1/2 sister who has MS told me I did had) but a lot of arthritis in my neck for a woman my age and unbelievably awful sinuses. . . . So let's talk about that. . . getting a diagnosis.

11 years ago when this seemed to have started for me (and it was after an awful painful flu I had that my whole body ached and ached and although all the other symptoms resolved as they do ~ many of the body aches remained especially aches in my pelvis, hips and ankles). I went to many doctors then to try to find some answers. None were ever given that made any sense ~ as a matter of fact I ended my search for a diagnosis feeling worse because of the lack of diagnosis and hearing something in the doctor's tone that said ~ there's nothing wrong with you. . .

They tested me for arthritis, Lupus (I have a cousin with Lupus), MS (as I said my father's oldest daughter has MS), parvo (ruff-ruff I'm not a dog though), etc., etc., with no results. I had some kind of electro or nerve conduction studies. . ..I finally gave up & have lived with it. . . .started running again because I was determined whatever it was I could make go away with exercise. I have had periods when the pain was not as bad a other times but simply kept quiet about the pain and discomfort. Who wants to hear it?? So years pass ~ sitting for long period has always been difficult since then. Had some transatlantic flights that were particularly uncomfortable ~ got lucky one time and got upgraded to First Class (yea!) and that made the long flight a bit more comfortable.

So fast forward to a few years ago. I have experienced not always lifting my feet in my walking like I should since the pain started ~ not a foot drag (as my dad had with his sciatic nerve problem) but point being I trip because of it. 'Caused me to trip on an uneven sidewalk a few years ago ~ was wearing the cutest little wedge sandal ~ stone cold sober ~ and sprained my ankle sooooo badly. I'm explaining this 'cause this was the beginning of renewed pain for me. Thought it was because of the different way I was walking ~ wore a boot for almost 3 months (doc thought I also broke a bone but could never find it in the x-rays). The ankle still 'causes me a lot of pain. But after that ankle sprain of exactly 2 years ago this weekend ~ remember it 'cause I had spent the day in the yard cleaning out my perennial gardens as I am about to do this weekend) . . .was happy and felt good about what I had accomplished that day. Was walking down the sidewalk in the short north. . .turned my head for a minute to look in the window at a pair of shoes and this spot on the sidewalk (that I have since witnessed people trip & fall . . ..) jumped up and got me. I could not catch myself and landed in the most painful way.

So after that ~ after the boot came off. Pain everywhere. Arms ~ back ~ legs ~ aaah. The craziness of it all. No physical therapy (no insurance for this injury unfortunately). . . and have tried to pull myself through it. Spent that late summer and fall riding my bike a lot for exercise (first ride though I wrecked of course and banged up my knee ~ what a clutz). . .

Now I see that what I am doing presently is the best. The jazzercise workouts target each area of your body ~ and I feel like for the first time in years I have some control over my health.

Enough for now. I'm going outside (:

Well, I must be feeling better, hhhhhuuuh??

I have laid off the blogging lately and wonder why. . .I am in so many ways feeling better. My pain is still there, don't get me wrong. But I am healthier because of my new exercise regime, cut alcohol out of my diet (nearly. . .picked one night with friends to have a few beers and felt fine the next day but two days later seemed like I might have felt some effects? Possible ~ I don't know). . .I can already feel a difference in my strength and my jeans are looser ~ yea!!. . . .That in and of itself make me feel better. I find I cannot do some of the moves in my exercise class at the high impact level (mostly because of this crummy heel issue I have ~ I want it gone!). . .but the instructors give low impact alternatives. There's a lot of us 'older gals' there that just can't cut the mustard like them young chicks and . . well, I appreciate the choice in moves if ya know what I mean?? Have changed some of my eating habits (hey I don't really feel very hungry either . . .Cymbalta?? Some of the fatigue that I had been feeling 'cause of the cymbalta I have worked through. . .maybe just 'cause my body got used to it or because my exercising?? Whatever it is I am thankful.

I am still reading Harry Potter 7 and am glad JK was feeling wordy 'cause I'm 400 pages in and still have plenty to go. Have been given several books to read by friends recently (guess they missed my hundreds of yet to be books in my extensive library . . .and I keep buying them.) But I love to read so Thank you. The Power of One my neighbor lent me, by Bryce Courtenay. Takes place during the Nazi regime in Germany I believe. The other is a more esoteric read - Many Lives, Many Masters. Although Mona doesn't understand I was raised by a Scotsman ~ very superstitious ~ believed in the afterlife . . .and so do I. I have seen one from the beyond and visit my dead relatives at night a lot. But that's for another blog.

So back to me and what I can share that may help another. I picked up a copy of Eat Right for your Type ~ Blood Type eating. Used to read whole volumes to understand the physiology behind diets and now I just jump in. . . .I just took the list the cut out offending foods and eat what they claim on with Type A blood should eat ~ they categorize foods as Beneficial (a healing food almost). . . a neutral (that will provide nutrients and feed you) and Negative that are actually really bad ~ almost allergic to that blood type. One thing I liked a lot is that although citrus has always been tough on my stomach (they confirmed this as a type characteristic) that grapefruits and it's juice is not so. I love Grapefruits and and happy to be consuming a juice again and the fruit itself. Doesn't seem to upset my stomach like a glass of OJ will do. Another is coffee ~ say that Type A have low stomach acid but coffee seems to balance that and be beneficial . . I do like cream and should not have it according to the diet's author and his research but oh well, I simply can't be perfect. I have to have my cream in my coffee. Sue me. Gotta go!

Sunday mornin' sunshine

Halloooo~ from the heart of suburbia . . .started the morning (after a pretty great night sleep) with the sounds of suburbia in my ears . . . .A lawnmower~ Argh!! Oh well, during the week it's saws and pounding. I guess instead of selling a home we'll wear sounds of homes being remodeled and refurbished. Last week I could not keep my doors open even though it was weather permitting. All the noise from a neighbor across the creek ~ unbelievable ~ sounds like trees were being taken down and the wood was being milled right there in their back yard. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Not the way I wanted to start the day ~ but darn it the mower did it to me! LOL.
Went to a bluegrass jam last night ~ it was fun ~ At Jumpin' Joe Underwood's crib. ha! Ralph Stanley II signed my shirt as did the members of the band. I'm not a huge bluegrass fan but it was for Joe and it was fun as always. Right now I'm gonna go and figure out how to pull some pics off my phone . . . I'll share 'em!! Later. . . .Tess

Fibro pain update. . ..

Have not slept well the past two nights ~ especially last night sleep was disturbed 3 ~ 4 times. . .I feel bad today . . .very very achy ~ head ache ~ particularly uncomfortable joint pain. Sleep is important it seems to helping manage the pain. . . . no alcohol last night either and feel hung over (that's not fair). . . Later!

computers ~ Argh!

I nearly lost my computer this week. . . .don't ever F10 at the beginning of a reboot . . .I thought it was a quick fix (my screen had turned a blur of colors). . .and lo and behold ~ i am without most of my software ~ thought I had lost all my pics and work I had done for my on-line business. Luckily much of it has been recovered but the basics on this machine are still rather iffy. . .


Me though ~ wow! I'm at the top of my game. Feeling pretty darn good. No effexor withdrawal symptoms. No fuzzy thinking, no real digestive issues, the overall funk and fatigue I had felt seems to have resolved. My fibro pain is doing relatively well for a woman who is exercising a lot (for me!!) ~ got in 4 exercise classes this week. Many walks with the dogs ~ taking extra strength tylenol (just got myself a uber jumbo bottle of the real stuff). . .taking 2 @ about 3 X day. Still taking the cymbalta (30 mg). Still consuming barley grass in a class of cranberry water & flax in the a.m. Trying to consume Flax in some sort several times a day beside the tbs of flax I take on rising and before bed. Read flax is good for arthritis (in my neck and one digit). . . and just living a clean life. Minimal to zero alcohol too. Seems as if just one beer or drink effects the way my pain level is the next day. Therefore an alcohol free existence sounds better to me all the time. . . .one little thing I can do for myself that makes such a big difference. . .why not?

Thinking about my boy, David ~ in Cali with my cousin (seen above with me during a visit to Cali last fall). . .Missing him a bunch. Missing them all a bunch and hoping to go visit again soon.

I'm beat ~ it's been an exhausting but great week. Later ~~

wheeping cherry in bloom

Here it is without the flash . . .looking up into those lovely pink blooms. . .

and over there -----> is the one with the flash on. . . .I like the blurry one better. . .

Aaaahhhhhh, spring is here.

Sunday morning ~ damp & chilly ~

Gotta start the day with a good dog pic. . . .good way to begin with a smile.

I am not as rested as I would like ~ dogs got bored and insisted it was time to get up. . .Me I like to sleep a little later on Sunday. . .oh, shoot missed services again. Ha!

It's 50 degrees out and damp. Scraps & I watched an opossum walk across the back 40 on our yard this a.m. while ducks swam down the creek. He was nuts wanting that ugly ugly creature. That was the first time I was up at 7:30. . . (well, not true as I had babie out at 2 a.m. too). The opossum was a big boy or girl and has been wandering the yard for several weeks now ~ but usually at night.

We have a real menagerie in our back yard . . with the creek ~ very high trees ~ a big bank on the other side of the creek (which is perfect for our ground hog couple we had a few years ago). We get Heron, Hawks, lots of crows but alas, no small birds as the big ones scare them off. Woodpeckers too ~ on the tree and on the house. Raccoons, mice (yea!) and hey I already saw a snake. . . seems early for them to be slithering about.

I'm doing ok. . back to me and my pain or lack of it. Slept last night without my hand/wrist brace. Did not wake up with an aching arm ~ that was good. Some overall aches today but no major pain any one place. Still feel wrung out ~ sort of a hung over feeling every day. . . puffy eyes ~ dark cirles ~ upset system. . .effexor withdrawal or the addition of cymbalta??

Need coffee. . ..later, T

too busy to blog

Whaaaat? A whole day has gone by without a word. . .busy busy busy. . . .tune in again tomorrow. . . .

Friday Nite and still fabulous

What a week!! I think I made a lot of progress on all fronts. Exercised 3 times, made some major changes in my consumptions, took the dogs to the dog park 2 times (they are exhausted still), and managed to still take the dogs on nice long walks. Started Harry Potter finally (the last one ~argh!). My pain levels are down ~ but unfortunately so is my energy level ~ I feel pretty wrung out a lot but am still managing to go to Jazzercise as I'm hoping it will help all of the above (excludes Harry Potter reference). Listening to a wonderful Latin Jazz album ~ pretty cool overall week. It's all a process.

Looking forward to more good stuff in the future. xoxoxox

Friday and Fabulous!

Well, it's friday . ... yea. Don't know why that matters since I work on my job 7 days a week but it just does. Feeling achey today but pretty good really. Worked our arms pretty good yesterday in jazzy-cize. My big point of pain right now are my head ~ where I just beaned myself under my countertop trying to get something away from the Airedale. . LOL. My feet ~ we bounce a lot in my exercise class ~ my neck and mild overall pain in my legs. But for me that's not bad....Now I'm going to go my a ginormous pot of coffee. . . and go outside and clean my deck. . .Take more flower pictures too. Oooops. Gotta go the Airedale in is something BAAAAAAD.

On last post on point

Effexor withdrawal - no symptoms that I can report. Cymbalta ~ helping obviously with lingering effexor withdrawal and with the pain of fibromyalgia. Jazzercise (been told vigorous exercise could aggravate my fibro ~ won't hear of it . . ) ~ my class was great today . ..Pain areas ~ my right ankle that I suffered the high ankle sprain two years ago. Giving me a lot of pain actually walking around the house and in jazzercise. My neck hurts ~ and my darn thumb hurts ~ sure feels like the thumb is broken. ..but I'm no doctor. My right arm aches ~ especially at night. Ok, I had a breast augmentation a year ago and had a lot of pain in my right arm subsequent to that. Now I don't know if the pain is a continuation of the pain from that procedure ~ 'cause now all the pain is jumbled together - or if it is simply the fibro. I feel stupid about it 'cause I had that done to me.

Don't know. Don't want to get cut open again to find out. A new pain to live with ~ ladies beware.

I can't help it ~ I love my dogs

I had a grrrrrrrrreat day today. . . .one of the most gorgeous days yet ~ spring has sprung . . Flowers are blooming . . .soon I will have a picture of my weeping cherry tree that stands at my front door. It is about to bloom. . .My crocuses have come and gone ~ my daffy dills will be out soon . . LOL and my Irises - my very favorite. I love the smell. Just wrap me up on one. . .have to post one more pic of my Babie girlfriend. We went to the dog park today. It was perfect.

Gotta go take my boy dog, Scraps, out now. Later, (:

Like having canned sunshine . .

Waking up with an Airedale ~ especially this one is like Love, Sunshine, Happiness, and the most ornery child you've ever ever encountered all in one. . . .She is my dear sweet Babie girlfriend.

. . .what a joy to start the day.

Later that very same day.. . .

What I meant to say earlier was that there were No real issues that I can pinpoint are related to coming off the effexor. I feel just pretty darn good. A little tired ~ I've heard that cymbalta can do that do you but I will prevail . . .exercise class today was particularly great for me. . . . .I did not seem too uncoordinated today. . . followed the instructor pretty well ~ worked up a sweat to the oldies and whatever else she was playing.

Trying to adhere to a healthier eating routine and that is going pretty well. . . .two of my favorite foods ~ tomatoes and potatoes are 'verboten' ~ ah, my savvy german language skills. I'm not even going to look it up . . .I think I spelled it right and if not. Oh well for me.

So what can I share that might help any one (if anyone besides me reads this which I highly doubt). trying to 'kick' effexor ~ a wonderful doctor to watch over you . . . . Exercise ~ will power ~ change in diet ~ barley grass (Yuk!) ~ patience and although I was willing to continue drug free ~ this bridge drug has helped me smoothly get off of the effexor. . cymbalta. Something, maybe it was just the time that had lapsed stopped the buzz, buzz in my brain. It nearly had resolved before I started the cymbalta. . . . ~~ So that is that ~ for now. Later, Tess

Gorgeous spring day ~

Someone just sent me this ~

There is no better time than right now to be happy

Happiness is a journey, not a destination

So work like you don't need money.

Love like you've never been hurt, and

Dance like no one's watching.

Not the first time I've heard some of those lines but today, on this totally if I died right now, I'd be a happy woman kind of day ~ it means more to me than ever before.

I feel good. Pain is at a minimum for me. . . .effexor withdrawal that I can feel . . . . My head feels pretty clear. No headache today. No digestive issues. Wow. Life doesn't suck so much. . .LOL.

I'm going to go enjoy this day. xoxoxoxo

Day's end ~ exhausted but proud

Started out the day feeling great ~ but as happens when you have a heavily interrupted night's sleep . . I'm fading at a high rate of speed. Jazzed it up ~ worse day yet ~my bum ankle hurt a lot and I proved to all the jazzy ladies behind me how uncoordinated I can be. At least I didn't fall ~ made it through the work out.

Found a new 'diet' thanks to a friend. Eat according to your blood type. I'm an A and meat and cheese are out. Got one of the books today and will get the rest later. Biggest disappointment is tomatoes. I love, love, love tomatoes. . . juice, pasta sauce, salsa, you name it I love it. ): A food to avoid. . .that will be the toughest. But all things in moderation right?

I am looking forward to bed ~ my whole body aches as well as my head. I need a neck rub and I think I'm just going to succumb and go be bed! Tomorrow is another day. . . .nite!

Monday ~ a new week.

Wow, cymbalta. My newest friend in the drug world. My pup had me up & down a lot last night. . . .out at 12 a.m ~ 1:00 a.m. and again at 4:00 a.m. I noticed my ups & (particularly) the down the stairs were much, much less painful. My knees hardly hurting going down steps . . .wow! Amazing!! If this drug really does what it's teasing that it may or could do I'm a fan.

Side effects?? Who knows at this point. Have a read a few ~ my first concern is always weight gain ~ this drug seems to have a slightly higher incidence of weight loss and the percentage of those who gain weight on it. We'll see. I have other factors I'm throwing in to lose weight so my progress on that front may not be a good one ~ between diet change and increase in exercise.

But point being ~ I Like This Week's Beginning ~ much better than last's. . . .

Gotta run now~ post more later.

Ending note

It's late ~ 37 degrees outside in the beginnings of spring. Did not get to be quite as physically active as I'd like to have been ~ seem to get very very very tired and just need to give into it. Read some. Feel really good. Arms ache a lot ~ legs (the part of me that seems to hurt the very very most) feel just great today ~ and continue to. I am ready for sleep though. Did doze on the couch earlier ~ for long enough to nod off then that was that.

Looking forward to the week. Last week was hard. I'm hoping for good things this week.

Week before last I went to my exercise class once, last week twice ~ this week 3 times . . .I'm getting there. Very proud of my accomplishments lately.

Need to become a Somewhat Vegetarian again

Rainy and getting greener. Listening to Jazz Sunday on WCBE and it's wonderful today.

Just took a nice walk with one of my pups, and I enjoyed it. Misty rain, makes my hair curlier, and that's ok. Today my arms ache, my legs are feeling soooo great and soo nearly like a normal person's legs would feel. It's nothing short of remarkable. Was put on a 'bridge' drug to help with the effexor withdrawal and hopefully help with my fibro. I have to say it or my slight change in diet, or my new exercising regime. . .one or all. I don't care. I'm happy. Feel good. The bridge drug is cymbalta. Wow.

My thought are much, much less muttled, and foggy. My ability to form a sentence seems nearly back to normal. . . my stomach is still very upset at times but then it passes. I can handle that. Ah, to get the hot tub fixed. Maybe I'll go soak in some mineral bath salts in the tub. Yum.

Sometimes I get glimpses of life being good again. Hey, don't let me lead to you believe life sucks, but it has lacked some of the elements I look for in a grrrrreat life. Like being able to stand up without searing pain through most of my body. Today I see I may have that - yea!

Learning soon about another change in my diet based on my blood type. Will post more on that as I learn it. I had a book some years ago called "Food and Mood". And I also know certain foods are just not for me. The town I got my undergrad degree had a wonderful natural foods store/lunch counter. That began my dabbling in a 'somewhat vegetarian' lifestyle. I was a long distance runner then too (my orthopedic doctor could tell by my recent x-rays. . .oh, the damage we do). If I consumed even chicken (which was unusual given my diet) I felt sluggish when I tried to jog the next day ~ cheeses can reek havoc with my stomach ~ so point being ~ don't call me lacto vegetarian ~ just call me a Somewhat Vegetarian. . . .that'll work for me.

Eat to Live, Don't Live to Eat.

Later, Tess . . . . it's time to pick up Harry Potter! Eeeeeeha!

A smooch from my pooch . .

Snuggly with a dog on a sunday morn. ..what more could you ask for I say. ...well, a nice strong but of coffee is nice with just the right amount of half & half. ..

Maybe some eggs benedict too. Yum. . . .

Sunday a.m. ~ rainy ~ a good day to read the Sunday Times ~ their book review ~

Later, oh, by the way. I feel pretty great today!!

Uber Moth. . . .

What a sight . . .a uber moth from last summer's wandering about. . .

babie ~ always curious

Just a pic for this dreary chilly spring morn. . .

Vancouver BC sky. . . .

Mom saying goodbye

Just got up and my dreams are coming through to me slowly. Most of the cast of characters were there last night. My mom was with me for sure and my step-father was too. My father was even there (he still lives and is 90). I don't want to talk about my dreams though. They're too private even for this.

I feel good today. . . No, I really feel good today. Stayed up sort of late, finished "Middlesex" (a prize winner for sure). . and an excited about starting finally the last Harry Potter book. Have Had it since the day it was released but It's the Last One. Ouch! I've wanted to savor it. Look at it ~ and was hoping maybe JK would break down and agree to keep writing. But then I don't know what happens to Harry in this last book . . and oh will my sister be happy. She bugs me to pieces to read it so we can talk about it. . . .

Mostly though I feel good. Just drank my sludge. What a way to start the day ~ awful tasting liquid vitamins (look like liquid seaweed) ~ then I consume ground up flax in cranberry (not juice) water (pure unsweetened cranberry concentrate) with 2 tsp of fine barley grass. Picture this ~ me with straw in one hand, other hand I'm pinching my nose shut so I won't smell this particular foul smelling elixir ~ and sucking it up thru the straw as quick as possible. . .'cause if ya take a break the smell sneaks out ~ no don't stop . .. just keep sucking it up. Whew ~ first cupalla (new word) times I drank it and almost came back up. I'm a smell person. . . If it smells like fish don't eat it. YUK. But if it smells like Basil or Cilantro Oh definitely eat it.

So that is that. My first post of the day. .it's 46 degrees here ~ blustery day ~ Pooh would be looking for Christopher Robin about now. . .walking through the 40 acre wood. Oh my, or maybe Alice chasing the Rabbit down the hole. Love, love, love Lewis Carroll. If you've never read Alice in Wonderland / Through the Looking Glass do yourself a favor. All Adult, all the time. Don't you be confused that Alice is just for kids, 'cause like Harry Potter, definitely not the case. I have the Narnia books too. all 7 - (guess that is a magic number heh? JK). . . you took your cue from a master. Books, my saviour.

Early morning ~ or late night .. that's what I get for napping. .

Vancouver at night. . . .

Well, here in the mid-west it is 1:00 a.m.





This has been a rough week. Working through it though. Today was shaky but I made it ~ succumbed to a nap and boy was it a good one. Dreams of all sorts. . . .that's actually really what I wanted to talk about.





Dreams. Effexor knocked out of me some basic human 'desires' let's say ~ but what it did give me in return was dreams. I have some really terrific dreams. I lost my mom 5 years ago, my step father 17 years ago and my beloved grandma Grace 34 years ago. They are all back with me nearly nightly. I have some of the most amazing dreams. We are together so often. Working through family issues, talking in some ways like we never really talked when they were here. I miss them all so very much ~ my Mom, oh yea. My Grandmother with a pain in my heart still. They say i'm a lot like her. An old soul. Or some such thing. But we are together. ..





I feel the love ~ I always talk about what a warm place it is for me to be with Mary and Grace at night. Some nights I will them to come to me. Mostly they are there unexpectedly and I greet them with love and open arms.





The effexor may not be the only reason for this ~ maybe it is my age and thinking about life's end-game. Them waiting for me somewhere when my times comes. Souls that travel through the galaxy or heavens or whatever together. I believe we do have souls we travel through time with. We are destined to find them in each and every life . . .so hold on to your seat. . . any day you could meet a soul you have not yet found ~ and it will make a difference in your days when that happens.





Back to the effexor though. One night over last weekend I think I was terrified to go to sleep - maybe I already wrote about it. It may have been a dream in a dream. Knowing that once I feel asleep that I was in for a bumpy ride. Terror ~ being chased and hunted down by something or someone wanting to hurt me. Crazy mind-bending fear. I did not sleep much that night. . .(unlike last night when it was a Terrible Terrier that kept waking me up. .)





Been a long week. My 'abandonment issue' got a work-out yesterday whe I was rejected for this clinical trial I was to be in for my fibromyalgia. It hurt for just a little while ~ but I worked it out baby. . .yea, jazzed it all away. But today I was left with a hang-over of sorts from what I'm not sure. . .oh yea, the Terrier. I'm good now. Looking forward to spring, flowers, green leaves and grass. Hosta galore (i'm an ole hosta rancher).





Night 'cha all! Tess signing off at 1:16 a.m. est.

New day ~ a new way. Catchy ain't it?

I'm always trying to amuse myself. Guess that is what I'm doing with my writing. It keeps my mind off of the pain ~ fills me up with creativity that is the thing I am missing in my life. Creativity. I enjoy shooting photos. . . would have like to have had a dark room but I did not get that together. Now with digital photography it's just so darn easy.

Still I love my old Nikon FM I took to Europe with me when I was in college (hey, I made that happen). . . another pat on the back. I remember that trip soooooo well (except for the part on my birthday in a club with too many champagne cocktails with the Moroccan boys in Paris . .. a lot of that night is still missing snicker, snicker). . .Before heading to that part of the world we (a group from my School of Journalism . . ah yes, went to school to hone my oh so nifty writing skills) we were in the Big Apple (not my first time mind you but my third time and a year later I lived there for a summer ~coming back after that stay a 'tainted woman' to my small midwestern town. Ah, now I've gone and done it again. Drifted off the subject.

That brings me to what I really should be writing about. . .the buzz, buzz, buzzing in my head. Seems to be GONE! Mostly since yesterday. I'm just left feeling sort of worn out (but not too sore after yesterday's Jazzercize session ~ yea!). . . .I just feel like I'm on the mend but still sort of suffering from a very bad flu almost. My train of thought it still like an old engine ~ start and stopping but still plugging along.

Oh, so back to my other story that is really much more fun. The Big APPLE. And the guy at the camera shop ~ came to Ohio later to visit me. What a mistake (never saw him again after that if you know what I mean ~ but we did share 'The Stunt Man" on a very special level. What a great Peter O'Toole movie and I never met anyone who got that movie like I did. Now my son has taken the reigns and he probably gets it too like his ole Ma). So this guy, let's call him Felix. . . .looked down on my family in the midwest ~ and couldn't get my mantra of the day that I would design my own home, and do this by myself, and that. . . and one time we were together (still in NYC) he asked why I always talked in the singular when it came to my view of my 'adult' future and plans. Told him I did not trust anyone that way - to be there and oh, well, now I've even lost my interest in this post and this story. He was a butt and that was that. All we have is ourselves is the truth. You know that. We all know that. Family is so important.

You might want to move away ~ distance yourself so to speak from the family members that if you met them socially they would not be people you'd chose to be friends with. But. . . and that is the biggest BuT. Even if they talk about you behind your back they are still family. Gosh, is that enough. Even i'm wondering. I've been talked and talked about plenty behind my back ~ shoot one time they did not even know I was there . . . in the other room . . .awake. ..not 30 miles away like they thought. And they hurt me and hurt me . . ..and it's like one of those great cinema moments. I walk in the room and everyone's face is frozen. Whaaaaaaat are you doing here??? The freaking tearful 2-3 hour apology and barely speaking for months. ..when previously you THOUGHT you were so close.

Oh, brother I gotta go. I need more coffee. I feel good. . . .Gotta get a coherent train of thought going. Forgot to mention, my most darling Babie (9 month old Airedale she dog) kept me up nearly all night. Out at midnight ~ again at 4 ~ couldn't get back to sleep then so opened my book back up . . .am finishing Eugenides 'Middlesex' (got like 30 pages to go now after reading 'til 5 a.m.). Oh gosh and now she wants me to chase her). I'm beat on that level. Birds were singing when I finally got back to sleep. Poop.

Let's start with beauty tonight. . .what a day. . .I'm wasted.

I'm sitting in a restaurant outside of downtown Vancouver - across the water and in the distance ~ can you see it?? Snow-capped and oh, so far away is Mount Baker in Washington State . . .Unbelievable! I loved this spot above all the places I visited while there. What a gorgeous spot Vancouver BC is.

Well down to the business of the day. Whirlwind of activities. My body is the key in all of this though. No effexor for a week fans. . .how am I doing?? Much, much better than yesterday. I could think a thought and walk a walk with no one being the wiser. My ability to form a coherent sentence came and went today. Found myself in several situations teary-eyed and that's never fun for the masses or for me. . . .especially when my mascara runs (I do hate that!).

Had to fix an ugly situation on my ebay sales site that I totally mucked up yesterday due to the 'fog' that is now my friend. A friend I want to say goodbye to quickly. Ended up well. I'm being cryptic you say.

I guess I am. Physically my effexor withdrawal is going better than each previous day. My fibromyalgia is suffering somewhat (as I've stated previously could the effexor been helping the aches of it ~ is the increase in pain an increase that will stay with me??? now I'm 'off' the effexor??) I hope not and believe what I'm going through now will be worthwhile in the long run. I hate cliches. Unfortunately I fall on them for fillers way way too often. Shoot, they just fit.

I'm exhausted as has happened in waves this past week. I am a bit manic at times. And after a manic period of talk, talk, talking I crash. I yearn for a place to lay my head and just rest. This afternoon after my 'doctor's appt' this a.m. that a 'girlie' appointment - not too important what. .. oh come on you really want to know . . .my nails. . . .(and I say the entertainment factor of all this is saving me on soooo many levels. . . they look lovely and I was going to share a shot but alas, this pesky blogger site would not let me insert the image here where I wanted it.

So a day has come and gone. I am going to sign off for now as my brain (oh boy it's not buzz buzz buzzing. . .. ) it's just a tired brain one that is not sending the signals to my fingers to type nearly as efficiently as I usually do.

Let's say for now ~ I'm doing TeRRific. Tess signing off at 10:52 p.m. I need to go finish reading Jeffrey Eugenides ~ Middlesex. Quite a read . . . .(:

Ending the day with Beauty. . .. xoxoxoxo

Hated to write what I just did without including a shot of something lovely I photographed. . let's see what I can dig up!! (:

Ha ha!!! My lovely sister's backside is always nice. . . .love you sis!!

And a resident of Vancouver BC - lounging around ~ begging for a morsel in a park when we visited last summer. . pesky creature . . but beautiful in a squirrel sort of way. . .LOL

Wow. . .Idol Gives back ~ what a night!!!

Well, there went my tear reserves for the month. What an amazing show ~ give what I could (not much unfortunately ~ ya know what they say 'charity begins at home' and we have so many needy relatives. Son on west coast, bro in need, etc., etc. Won't name names here, but believe me ~ we're sending it out as fast as it comes in.

Had a relatively good day ~ shouldn't have started it watching a video on YouTube of Iz singing somewhere over the rainbow medley ('cause Jason on Idol sang it last night). Wow how times passes ~ he's been gone since 1997. A great loss for Hawaii and so many others that loved him so. . . What a voice. Picked up 2-3 CD's while there in the early 90's. Lucky to have loved his music for sooo long. . . anyway his version of that song always makes me cry. Then cried and cried during Idol tonight.

Buzz, buzz, buzz. Aches and pains . . . Mostly my withdrawal symptoms are under control. My head is buzzing, lots of noise in my noggin. Nice to have the TV or music distraction. Helps keep the noise in my head under control.

I've had a thought today. Last week I went to a jazzercize class. The next day I felt fine (or not more sore and achy that usual). Stopped taking my last dose of effexor that day as a matter of fact. I have been entirely off the effexor for one week tomorrow. Jazzercize yesterday. Pain pain pain ~ unbelievable! My Achilles tendon problem ~ freaked out. And every other place in my body that could hurt today does. So my thought ~ whew! ~ finally is this (sometimes it takes me soooo long to get from place A to place B . . .and this is a - shit can't think of the word I'm digging for in my brain.. . guess, a phenomena of the stopping of the effexor) any freaking way - my thought. wow here goes. The effexor, that I know is prescribed for menopausal symptoms like hot flashes (that is have now in waves non-stop) maybe was helping the pain of the fibromyalgia. . . could it be possible???

Or am I just super achy 'cause I have a name for my ailment? Or what. Hell, I don't know and now I going in circles. My thumb hurts the most. . . most days. Arthritis. Simple pain old awful arthritis. My wonderful, awesome gorgeous and amazing Grace ~ my maternal Grandmother ~ had arthritis in most of the joints in her fingers. I don't know how she took care of so much if my itsy bitsy thumb can 'cause me so much discomfort. . . .my mother had arthritis is one finger - no not her thumb - her pinky on her right had. . .my thumb is the right hand thumb too - and as I am right handed I am having a lot of trouble holding a pen to write. Typing is soooo much nicer and more comfortable - except for the aches in my wrists. What a complainer. . . wha. whaaaa.

I'm done with this complaining post for tonight. It's not so much fun when I list all my ailments. I feel like a whiner, especially after watching all these people in the US & Africa with so so little. . . ,my life is blessed. God bless you all!! Tess signing off. . ..11:16 p.m EST.

Now I'm cyberbegging. . .go figure.

Wow, just heard a very very cool story on CNN about a cyberbegging site. Signed up! Who knows I could move forward again ~ through the fog into a world of something other than the haze of my withdrawl from effexor, pain of the fibromyalgia (and don't forget that pesky painful arthritic thumb. . .who'd imagine such a small digit could 'cause so much pain. ..): ) and sit sit sitting at my computer selling 'stuff'. . . .

So I sit here cooling off after my latest wave of hot flashes, buzz, buzz, buzz in the brain. Sorry I missed posting yesterday. Sometimes the simplist (sp??) task seems to take forever. I spent the afternoon yesterday trying to get my act together to go to an exercise class. Work through the pain and fog ~ that is how I'm trying to get through it. Answered yet another call to be a 'guinea pig' and get some assistance for nearly nothing. Jazzercize 'trial' to offer a testimonial after an inexpensive 3 month membership. . .After all that effexor, et al. I packed on an extra 25 (maybe 30 but who's counting??) . . My aches will feel less burdensome I hope with all that extra weight off.

So about the cyberbegging. A small amount to sign up and wha-la! I'm a begging. Not money but for a job - so I can pay the darn student loan before all comes crashing down. . . No wonder I was on anti-anxiety meds. . .Did I come off to soon? No! I say. Everyone has financial worries. But my son is now doing mostly OK, and I can handle this without those meds. Especially if I start achieving a clarity in my thoughts. I am a smart girls. . .got several degrees. The hated law degree (yes, I practiced law for a number of years and hated it toward the end.) Should have kept working for the good guys - non-profits, public sector. Now after an absence I am soo trying to get back. Heck, I applied to be a manager of a Planned Parenthood ~ never ever even got a call back. I had everything they needed . . .and more. Guess it was the AND MORE that prevented me from even getting a call. Hey, I called and left a message with the HR gal. She did not even call me back. That seems wrong. . . don't you??

Hot flashes in waves

Oh boy am I the lucky one.

something pretty to end a exhaustive day. . ..

The ugly monster showed it's face . . .and it was not pretty

It showed it's face to all I love dearly tonight and I just wanted to smash it and kill it. I am ashamed I am not strong enough to keep my wild emotions in check during this time. I swore I was strong enough. I will keep on keeping on. Just call me 'K.I.T". . . .ya know from bullfinger. . .keep it together . . .keep it together.

I don't want to go back on the meds. I just don't.

I wondered why my arm ~ my right arm in particular aches so very much as night. Babie reminded me why tonight and Scraps reminded me this a.m. I have undisciplined dogs - they walk -or rather pull me on walks. I ache because of it. I'm wasted. Don't feel well and have not felt well for the past few hours. Needed help with the dogs tonight and my husband went to bed early.

We all paid. No we are ok, but I'm more screwed up because of it all. Need sleep. Hopefully I won't have dreams of having bad dreams tonight. Later. . . it's 11:51 p.m. signing off. . Tess

I'm baaaaaaaack. . .

Took a day off ~ felt ok yesterday. Barley is beautiful ~ green but a bit on the stink-o side. Helps to hold ur nose as you drink drink drink it down. . . .Read that on the web ~ that it helps with some of the effects of withdrawal. Buzzing seemed to be at a minimum yesterday. Today too. My problem today is I just feel Wasted. . .hung over sort of (no I did not). Last night I was afraid to go to sleep. But maybe I was asleep and was dreaming about being in bed afraid to go to sleep ~ 'cause I knew I was going to have nightmares. Dreamt or actually did start to fall asleep and went to a very scary place and either did force myself to wake up or dreamed it. Freaked out huh??

I got a bunch of stuff to finish doing today (Oh, hallelujah I drove my car yesterday ~ her name is Astrid by the way and she's the prettiest Discovery you've ever seen ~ adorned with a Moose.) So that was a big deal being able to drive. So I need to go drive now! Later. (:

PS. The flower is a MOON FLOWER from last summer. Ain't it grand?? But don't eat it ~ lovely but deadly. . ..

Continuing on this Saturday Night ~ Why dream it ~ Live it!

Nausea is also a big thing for me. Driving in the car is hell. Motion sickness ~ never really had that much before. .I'm tired ~ last night was a short night for me. Got to sleep late late 3 ~ 4ish up at 10 ish. . .lucky the dogs let me sleep that late.

My my my. What next. Lots of input right now ~ lots of sensory input. TV on and I can see it through my library window into the family room window and across the room. It's muted (teaching my husband the just enjoy a great black & white movie. . . .) . .He's got the radio on to our favorite NPR Saturday night show. Babie is running around the house squeaking a toy. Scraps is lying on the deck and periodically he will come to the door behind me that leads out to one area of the deck . . .he'll scratch on the door to be let me. He's a sweetie petie. Babie is a sweetie peetie. Male vs. female. Trust me. My terms, my rules.

So I'm feeling sort of nothing right now ~ at least physically. Whoops head rush. Eyes continue to be slight and ever so blood shot. Still look stoned. Neck hurts ~ arthritis. Thumb hurts ~ arthritis badly. Pause, pause behind my eyes. Trying to figure out how to describe some of the sensations I feel. Feelings that come over like a wave. Pretty freaky. Teared up at the Tavern talking to a bud after I showed him a pic of my beautiful boy. My real life 22 year old son, D. Lives across the country and I miss him something terrible. He misses me too. I know that ~ he tells me a lot. We know he should be there. Away from this town ~ this midwestern life. Boooorrring.

I wanted to move across the country when I was in college and I encouraged him to do most of his college life there. He can come back if he really wants to but given his interests ~ beaching it, snow boarding it ~ looking well muscled and healthy and handsome he is in the right world......inherited his love of cinema from me. Live the life. Live your life in the dream you have of life. Why dream it live it.

Babie just went outside. It's 51 degrees on this midwestern spring night. A truly lovely evening. I feel good right now. . .feeling good may start to be something I feel more of rather than just glimpses of. I am strong and I believe I may be a poster child of beating effexor in record time. Had two doses yesterday of Barley. Yuk. Put it in cranberry juice (pure no sugar) ~stir and HOLD YOUR NOSE ~ DRINK IT DOWN AS QUICK AS YOU CAN WITH A STRAW. SHOULD GO get my second dose soon. It's not fun but people swear it helps with the brain buzzes, nausea, etc., etc.

Later. 9:36 pm midwestern time. xoxoxoox Tess signing off.