Memorial Day ~ Missing Many

My Dearest Departed. We think of you today especially ~ in our hearts always.

Yesterday some of my family gathered to celebrate the holiday of remembering. We sat and talked, ate and drank. And did not talk much about those we love that are no longer with us. My family is like that. We don't talk about the big things. It's more about the here and now. Babies were every where ~ some healthy some not. I have tried to walk away from this family that I love so much and am so different from but know in my heart doing that is wrong.

My mother's siblings are the ones I cling to the most. My dearest mother's brother and sister. I was with them yesterday. My Aunt Wilma and Uncle Lloyd. Losing them will be like it was to lose my Grandmother Grace and My Mother, Mary. These adults who were always around when I was growing up ~ sometimes living in the same house (when I was born my mother, sister Karen and I lived with my Grandmother Grace and Aunt Wilma and her two young children, Roberta (Bobbi) and Johnny and our cousin Mary Ellen.

They were like siblings to me most of my life. My son David is with Johnny in California . . . and I was with Bobbi yesterday. Bobbi lost her son, Spenser a year ago. Beautiful troubled Spense. Spenser was 2 years old when Bobbi and I moved to southeastern Ohio (Athens) to live there and share a house with Johnny. He took his own life at the age of 33. The family still mourns.

Spenser was with us yesterday.... only spoken about in hushed tones to not upset Bobbi. There is a sadness that prevails. We all helped raise Spenser ~ those of us that are the middle adults. Bobbi was a single mother and we all helped out when Bobbi worked ~ caring for this beautiful blond baby ~ that grew into a troubled man who finally gave up and simply said ~ I'm tired. I don't want to do this life anymore.

We will be with you again dear Spenser. You are with Mom and Grace right now. They are keeping you close until Bobbi joins you. Life is so precious.

Today we celebrate this life ~ a time that can be soooo fleeting and hard and painful and joyful. We celebrate the passing through this life by so many ~ beauty, tragedy, hope, sorrow ~ all in a day, a minute, a life.

something besides. . . .

As for my health ~ I am well. I can almost remove any mention that I was on effexor. I am off of it so nicely and cleanly. My girlfriend said recently I had turned my back on my greatest ally when it came to the effexor and my menopausal hot flashes. Considering the other negative side effects the effexor brought to the table I had no choice.

I am happy to be effexor free. I am on a low dose of cymbalta and that seems to be working. Nearly cut out alcohol (sorry fibro friends - believe alcohol is not our friend) ~ 'cause I can really feel the effects of alcohol on my pain after a night of imbibing. I only have an occasional headache. Sometimes I even walk normally. What a blessing. Given this week's events I even feel mentally strong enough to seek employment out of this house. (If there is a job out there. . . seem pretty slim pickings). My aunt told me she believes one of her girls (my cousin) may also have fibro (if that is the case I now know 3 others who suffer from it ~ all women). She is a big drinker and know if I tell her she needs to stop it will fall on deaf ears. Our family has a curse that way ~ that and having baaaaaaaaad lungs. No smoking please.

I have a busy day so am going to go now. Feel happy, see hope for the future and am starting to believe in me again. (o: Tess

More flower pics

Lovely Iris.

________________ >> glorious curbside gardening with Columbine, Iris and Poppies. . .

Lucky to have perennials. I am really a gardening idiot and have no skills where growing things are involved.

May 22nd and the sun is out!

Well, my spring flowers are finally in their full regalia. . .what a gorgeous sight they are. . . Here are my poppies, I have columbine, Irises, spider wort, Vina vine purple flowers, and other perennials I forget the name of right now. Irises are probably my favorite spring flower. Soon I will plant seeds for dwarf sunflowers and zinnias. . . my favorite summer flowers.

I am doing well. Very very sore today ~ but not fibro aches. . . the glorious pain you get from working out hard! Yea! I stayed for a double session of my jazzercize class - body sculpting then a regular jazzercize class. . . Had to lay off Tuesday class 'cause of the heel / Achilles tendon issue on my left leg. Worked out hard Monday and then Tuesday morning wore high heels around downtown going to where. . The Supreme Court of the State.

Got to address the Justices for a short short time. . .introducing my friend that has worked for two plus year to get her application accepted by our state bar. Tuesday was the culmination of those two plus years and she had to be sponsored by a fellow member of the bar and that was me. I got to stand in front of the 7 justices and introduce myself and give my friend a short introduction to the esteemed panel. I was freaked at first when I found out I would have to speak to the justices and then when it was my time and totally enjoyed it. Go figure. Glad she did not know beforehand I would have to speak to the court, I probably would have chickened out. I did not know I had changed so much since my last court appearance. I wasn't afraid.

Yea to me.

Down Time and Up Time

It's been 10 days nearly since I wrote. . . I guess I was feeling well enough that there was not a lot to talk about when it comes to my fibro and definitely nothing more to talk about with my effexor withdrawal. . .I seems to be clean of that drug and it was not nearly as tough to 'kick the habit' as I had imagined.

But most recently ~ I am still feeling pretty well ~ I have finished two books. Completed the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and also finished reading 'Many Lives, Many Masters'. . . by Brian Weiss, MD. Picked up another book by Weiss ~ 'Messages from the Masters ~ Tapping into the Power of Love' and started that and also read the first paragraph of 'The Power of One' by Bruce Courtenay that takes place during the time of the Nazi regime ~ but the location of the story is actually South Africa.


I was so taken by the book 'Many Lives, Many Masters' that it is actually a bit hard for me to move on to another topic or book right now. Weiss's books are about reincarnation ~ a topic I find fascinating and totally plausible. There has to be more to us humans 'cause if this is it ~ this life ~ I sometimes have trouble understanding the point of it all. According to the work Weiss undertook with his patient Catherine we travel through lives with other souls ~ our roles and interactions seem to be different with each life ~ but his work goes on to say that we have lessons to learn in each life, lessons we can only learn while in the physical (not spiritual) form, debts to pay for our or our loved ones past wrongs, and so on. . . .

Having lived my life, personally and professional different than many ~ for one I never felt the need to get a job and keep it for 20-30 years. . I've always thought my variety of jobs have been good for me 'cause there were people I needed to meet, and in meeting these people I had believed I brought some knowledge or wisdom to them ~ a lesson so to speak and then I was done. I was OK when it was time for me to move on. I do know people have come into my life at times when I needed their kindness or knowledge they had to offer me. They've helped guide me through a personal struggle or to help me gain some new insight.


I've always appreciated the adage 'When the student is ready, the teacher arrives'. That is how a life of learning should be, isn't it? If we aren't learning and growing in this life we've been given what is the point? In college I was part of an age-regression study through the Psychology Department. It was amazing and I too was a willing subject before I became part of the research group. . . Dr. Weiss cured this patient Catherine through the hypnosis ~ cured her phobias, anxieties and poor relationships ~ it was like she was reborn. And as with the teaching of the Kaballah and Buddism she showed during her hypnotic trances, and the messages she imparted during that time - that there are 'Masters' ~ spiritual masters who guide us between our lives.


Such knowledge, for me makes the idea of death and dying much easier to accept and not fear. I am with my mother, grandmother and step-father in my dreams (they are all dead) quite often ~ and I look forward to those meetings. I come out of those dreams, particularly the ones with my Grandma Grace and my Mother, Mary surrounded in all I can describe as a cocoon of love. A warm secure happy feeling that stays with me for some time after our being together. With my step-father it is more of a healing time ~ a time of forgiveness . . but with my mothers it is just a safe and loving visit. So I am a believer. I still have much to learn still in this lifetime, and much love and knowledge to share with people I have not yet encountered and with those I already know.

This is how I've occupied my mind lately. And as for my body, jazzercizing it up!!

Sunday and sunny

Lovely lovely day. Airedale barks in the distance, NPR on the radio (Afro Pop Worldwide is coming on now . . Garrison Keillor just signed off and the Great Harry Shearer will be on at 1). Outstanding day for public radio . .well, every day is a great day for public radio.

I have a sunshine headache today. . high pressure seems to bring it on or whatever high pressure does to the air around me. I just ran out of coffee creamer and I'm bummed. My neighbor will have to hook me up (I hope she hasn't cut that out of her diet too. . .sigh.) Love my coffee dark out of the pot and creamy in the cup. No sugar. My type A diet says coffee is good for my stomach (yea!) and that is that for me. Permission to drink it as I please.

Day for the dogs too. Dog park in the afternoon hopefully for them. Scraps always gets a bit moody when it rains. Poor pup. Airedale loves the rain ~ loves the shower with me in it ~ hopefully she will love the pool when it opens again since it's rarely used. I'll be motivated to get in the pool this year for Babie if she will join me. I'm sure swimming will help aches and pains as it is a great overall exercise. Pool is shaded and the heater is powered via propane and propane has gotten oh, so expensive. . .so no heater. BRRRRRR.

hmmmmmmmmm. Prior neck injury??

Well, today is the Kentucky Derby. You know it's spring now. . . I wish I had a fancy hat to wear in recognition of the race. But it is raining and in Ohio that is a sure sign it is spring. The world exploded into the most gorgeous color of green (absolutely have to wear green today). The air smells differently ~ the ground is soaked ~ new green shoots are pushing their way up through the ground. A perfect day to put on some old boots, overalls and a rain jacket and work in my perennial gardens.

And hey my body feels good enough to do this ~ so I believe I will undertake that. I missed the jazzercise workout I could have participated in this a.m. so I am going to visit my exercise room ~ use the ab lounger (it actually is pretty fun and seems to work). . . hang upside down on my inversion table (feels sooooo good on my back and neck) . . . .lift a few weights ~ use the universal machine . . and hey~ I'm fit.

I seem to have cleansed myself of the effexor for the most part. I don't know if I am doing so well on that front because of the cymbalta but I'll take whatever brought me to this point.

As for fibro ~ a friend told me yesterday that she was told there seems to be an indication (how wishy washy) that prior neck injury is shown in many (?) fibro sufferers. I personally as an 11 year old was jumping on a bed and fell off backward and landed on that larger neck/spine bone that joins the neck to the spine. Was told by a chiropractor when I visited him during my college years that I would have trouble walking or moving properly when I reached my 40's if I did not continue to get therapy ~ I was having trouble with my neck/shoulders/arms freezing up due to my posture of both studying and working on a large newspaper typesetting machine. Hmmmmm. He may have know something. thanks Dr. Hedges . . should have listened to you.

I was told when the fibro symptoms first started 11 years ago that the MRI revealed (not the MS that I feared I had thanks to my 1/2 sister who has MS told me I did had) but a lot of arthritis in my neck for a woman my age and unbelievably awful sinuses. . . . So let's talk about that. . . getting a diagnosis.

11 years ago when this seemed to have started for me (and it was after an awful painful flu I had that my whole body ached and ached and although all the other symptoms resolved as they do ~ many of the body aches remained especially aches in my pelvis, hips and ankles). I went to many doctors then to try to find some answers. None were ever given that made any sense ~ as a matter of fact I ended my search for a diagnosis feeling worse because of the lack of diagnosis and hearing something in the doctor's tone that said ~ there's nothing wrong with you. . .

They tested me for arthritis, Lupus (I have a cousin with Lupus), MS (as I said my father's oldest daughter has MS), parvo (ruff-ruff I'm not a dog though), etc., etc., with no results. I had some kind of electro or nerve conduction studies. . ..I finally gave up & have lived with it. . . .started running again because I was determined whatever it was I could make go away with exercise. I have had periods when the pain was not as bad a other times but simply kept quiet about the pain and discomfort. Who wants to hear it?? So years pass ~ sitting for long period has always been difficult since then. Had some transatlantic flights that were particularly uncomfortable ~ got lucky one time and got upgraded to First Class (yea!) and that made the long flight a bit more comfortable.

So fast forward to a few years ago. I have experienced not always lifting my feet in my walking like I should since the pain started ~ not a foot drag (as my dad had with his sciatic nerve problem) but point being I trip because of it. 'Caused me to trip on an uneven sidewalk a few years ago ~ was wearing the cutest little wedge sandal ~ stone cold sober ~ and sprained my ankle sooooo badly. I'm explaining this 'cause this was the beginning of renewed pain for me. Thought it was because of the different way I was walking ~ wore a boot for almost 3 months (doc thought I also broke a bone but could never find it in the x-rays). The ankle still 'causes me a lot of pain. But after that ankle sprain of exactly 2 years ago this weekend ~ remember it 'cause I had spent the day in the yard cleaning out my perennial gardens as I am about to do this weekend) . . .was happy and felt good about what I had accomplished that day. Was walking down the sidewalk in the short north. . .turned my head for a minute to look in the window at a pair of shoes and this spot on the sidewalk (that I have since witnessed people trip & fall . . ..) jumped up and got me. I could not catch myself and landed in the most painful way.

So after that ~ after the boot came off. Pain everywhere. Arms ~ back ~ legs ~ aaah. The craziness of it all. No physical therapy (no insurance for this injury unfortunately). . . and have tried to pull myself through it. Spent that late summer and fall riding my bike a lot for exercise (first ride though I wrecked of course and banged up my knee ~ what a clutz). . .

Now I see that what I am doing presently is the best. The jazzercise workouts target each area of your body ~ and I feel like for the first time in years I have some control over my health.

Enough for now. I'm going outside (:

Well, I must be feeling better, hhhhhuuuh??

I have laid off the blogging lately and wonder why. . .I am in so many ways feeling better. My pain is still there, don't get me wrong. But I am healthier because of my new exercise regime, cut alcohol out of my diet (nearly. . .picked one night with friends to have a few beers and felt fine the next day but two days later seemed like I might have felt some effects? Possible ~ I don't know). . .I can already feel a difference in my strength and my jeans are looser ~ yea!!. . . .That in and of itself make me feel better. I find I cannot do some of the moves in my exercise class at the high impact level (mostly because of this crummy heel issue I have ~ I want it gone!). . .but the instructors give low impact alternatives. There's a lot of us 'older gals' there that just can't cut the mustard like them young chicks and . . well, I appreciate the choice in moves if ya know what I mean?? Have changed some of my eating habits (hey I don't really feel very hungry either . . .Cymbalta?? Some of the fatigue that I had been feeling 'cause of the cymbalta I have worked through. . .maybe just 'cause my body got used to it or because my exercising?? Whatever it is I am thankful.

I am still reading Harry Potter 7 and am glad JK was feeling wordy 'cause I'm 400 pages in and still have plenty to go. Have been given several books to read by friends recently (guess they missed my hundreds of yet to be books in my extensive library . . .and I keep buying them.) But I love to read so Thank you. The Power of One my neighbor lent me, by Bryce Courtenay. Takes place during the Nazi regime in Germany I believe. The other is a more esoteric read - Many Lives, Many Masters. Although Mona doesn't understand I was raised by a Scotsman ~ very superstitious ~ believed in the afterlife . . .and so do I. I have seen one from the beyond and visit my dead relatives at night a lot. But that's for another blog.

So back to me and what I can share that may help another. I picked up a copy of Eat Right for your Type ~ Blood Type eating. Used to read whole volumes to understand the physiology behind diets and now I just jump in. . . .I just took the list the cut out offending foods and eat what they claim on with Type A blood should eat ~ they categorize foods as Beneficial (a healing food almost). . . a neutral (that will provide nutrients and feed you) and Negative that are actually really bad ~ almost allergic to that blood type. One thing I liked a lot is that although citrus has always been tough on my stomach (they confirmed this as a type characteristic) that grapefruits and it's juice is not so. I love Grapefruits and and happy to be consuming a juice again and the fruit itself. Doesn't seem to upset my stomach like a glass of OJ will do. Another is coffee ~ say that Type A have low stomach acid but coffee seems to balance that and be beneficial . . I do like cream and should not have it according to the diet's author and his research but oh well, I simply can't be perfect. I have to have my cream in my coffee. Sue me. Gotta go!